HUH?!

If you know me, you know that I harbor deep-seated feelings of disdain for John Mayer. His whole “I’m so genuine and so down-to-earth and such a soulful musician unpolluted by the excesses of fame” shtick reeks to me of an underhanded, smug sense of self-importance. He’s like music’s answer to Zach Braff: another pasty, faux intellectual whose demeanor is marked by a vibe of too-cool-for-school.

Except that he’s not too cool to canoodle about with certain busty women whose entire claim to fame involved playing it stupid and mistaking fish for poultry. To be honest, Jessica Simpson seems more likely to be the target for one of Mayer’s quip-y blog pieces than a potential romantic match. Theirs was the union that truly baffled me since the only thing they have in common was a penchant for big hair (see picture).

But perhaps I was too quick to judge. I mean, Jessica could bring the beauty and John could bring the brains to this dating potluck, together forming some hermaphroditic embodiment of celebrity evolution gold. Here’s a “before they dated” comparison to show you what I mean:



Then as I was jovially trolling the recent flood of pictures from the Met’s Costume Institute Gala, chortling heartily at the various embodiments of fashion forward atrocities, I chanced upon THIS startling gem:



Huh?? Who was this charmingly boyish young fellow in desperate need of a tan? The albino love child of Johnny Depp and Jake Gyllenhaal? Suddenly I felt powerless as the structural tenets of my reality collapsed without warning. Could it be? Did I find John Mayer to be not entirely loathsome? Was I in fact feeling a slight twinge of fangurl-y gushiness?

It seemed this picture was not a fluke for here he is again a few nights later at some Time Magazine party:



HUH? Looking quite good? Smiling naturally without his usual unsettling suspiciousness? Was this even the same guy?? And what about his counterpart, you might ask. Was she also transformed and better off as a result of their haphazard love affair?



Well I guess not so much. It seems that Jess has become more bachelor party blow-up doll than human. I think this picture (especially that look of pure shock and awe from the elderly gentleman in the foreground) pretty much sums up the Mayer-Simpson dynamic in its current state.